Farewell to Berlin

I am leaving Berlin after over a decade.

It was a place where I arrived as a young, clueless intern who was torn, tempted, and at times overwhelmed by everything the city had to offer.

It’s where I started my professional adventure by getting to sleep on a stinky mattress in a tiny room in Kreuzberg, in marihuana-infused flat (courtesy of my flatmates), working 12-14 hours per day for 400 euro monthly.

It was a place where I had flatmates who were trainee doctors, opera singers & astrologists, aspiring rap-singer & stripper, local activist and fellow Polish immigrant who became a good friend.

It was here, where on one of the first parties I got to drink anise-based drinks from a bottle with a scorpion inside (and that’s one of the less weird things I tried).

It was here where I while being an intern, I stood up to a Managing Director, looked her in the eye, said “This was a bit disrespectful towards Polish and not cool”… and still managed to get promoted later.

It was here where I got to know the real deal behind startup safari, the hustle, the chaos, the politics.

It was a city, where I landed two dreams jobs ( beating 150 other candidates at one), got promoted three times, but also failed to succeed two times at other projects.

It was a city, where I co-founded a software agency, which almost had a shot.

It was here where I met my Wife.

It was here, where we first saw each other on Alexanderplatz.

It was here where I jumped off the roof of RadissonBlu Hotel, on a rope, with a rose and a ring in my hand to propose to Her.

It was here, where one joke of pastor would stumble, stutter, and eventually refuse to bless our relationship because of my Catholic faith.

It was here, where we met an amazing Priest, who himself had had Protestant & Catholic parents, and who would agree to take us for marriage preparation classes.

It was here, where we went for our engagement dinner in George Clooney’s favourite steakhouse and ate the best and most overpriced steak in my life.

It was here, where I got to directly participate in the most horrifying and yet most joyful moments in my life; the birth of our two sons.

It was here, where in one of the flats my neighbours would shout at me from a balcony each time I parked my car not exactly straight.

It was here, where in front of the same flat, a circus would set up and let the camels lose to eat grass in front of our terrace.

It was here where I bought didgeridoo for my musician bro who played it later on a Warsaw Autumn Music Festival.

It was here, where I saw UFO (for real!).

It was here, where I bought my first car and got it crashed.

It was here, where I drank gluhwein on Christmas market, smoked shisha in Arabic bar with my Muslim colleagues, drank Polish vodka with a good Friend at midnight at Brandenburger Gate.

I came to Berlin lonely, estranged, anxious. I was an intern, who had big dreams, who believed in myths, legends & fairy tales such as One Love that conquers all.

In the decade that came, that was all put to a hard test.

Berlin was my trial through fire.

I never ditched my beliefs and I remained out of place.

Thank God for that.

So Berlin is a city which I will remember well, yet which I am glad to leave behind.

Goodbye Berlin.

Been a hell of a ride.

I am off at the next stop.

Burning pages #1: Dreams of fire

Note: Burning pages is my attempt to capture some elusive thoughts and observations before they turn to ash.  Call it a journal if you want. 

It all started a long time ago, with a dream of flames.

I was going through a dungeon. As I was descending into the darkness, an eerie, unfamiliar feeling would get hold of me. 

I felt that I am surrounded.

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My assailants were not mere mortals.
These were dead corpses animated by some nefarious spirits, pacing slowly towards me, ramping up their noose around me.  I couldn’t see them but I KNEW, they were there,  getting closer. This was that extrasensory knowledge that is given in some dreams. The noose was getting tighter, and so got the grip of horror.

The demons were coming and I had nowhere to run. 

Then I heard that omnipresent voice. It was powerful, terrifying and it came from WITHIN. It brought the words, which would resonate through me:

“Go for forth and set the world on fire.”

And the flames would burst all around. And I felt…  free.
When I woke up, I was revigorated, fresh. As if something new has started.
I thought I am about to change the world. Start each day by sunset, and become the super-version of myself. 

Almost a decade passed since I had that dream. 

I tried my best in all those years, but for what I know I can’t even change my 2-year-old son to make him stop picking his nose and eating its content (hope you had your breakfast by now, Dear Reader). 

The intricacies of “changing the world” stuff  (however one understands it) became even clearer to me, how gruesome that task is. Not to mention the getting up at sunset part…

It took a freaking pandemic to get me going, again. Things had to hit the fan really hard, so I could realize I that I can’t stay still anymore. That I am not immoral.

That clock is ticking.  It shows 5.30 now and it is time to rekindle the flame.

So here I am setting a fireplace in this remote corner of the worldwide web. 

Scribbling words, which will hopefully illuminate that rusty basement I got sucked myself into through the daily duties.  

Words are carriers of creation, words are carriers of destruction. Just like fire.
Scientists say that all the objects in the universe are contantly resonating collections of atoms, shaped by frequencies. The universe is an echo, one might say, of One Voice. 

It was also words that brought doom upon our miserable species. One bite will not kill you, we were told. Yet it did.

What stories will I bring to you?  

Food for thought, I hope, or rather, fuel for your Inner Fire. 

It will be tales of how I strive to keep the flame in my mortal shell, alive and burning. How I stride through this Brave New World trying not to lose that spark.
That is a great task at hand, cause, I am surrounded.
We are surrounded. Like in that dream of the dungeon. 

We are continuously entertained, dumbfounded, blindfolded, cheered to compliance. We are to remain meek and short-sighted. Muzzled and wearied, we are not to stick our noses from the basement of our overwhelming daily duties. 

The news, technology, and entertainment creators are there forming their cordon around us. The puppet masters, the demiurges of modern society, are always there, ready to serve us, with their viciously concealed dopamine triggers. 

They are armed with mass-media guns, firing sugar-coated brain bullets, that aim for our minds and our very souls. 

We are living in times, wherein the abundance of information the most scarce resource is the Truth. So we need fire in our spirits, in our hearts, in our minds to stay vigilant.

In these crazy times, we need a Flaming Torch, in our search for the Truth. We need that fire not just to push away the darkness, but to burn through the veil that has been cast on our eyes.

We need the flame to scorch those glazing neons that are set on our path.

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Photo by Elijah O’Donnell on Unsplash

So I invite you to read and join me on that journey.  

Keep an open and inquisitive mind. Tread carefully. Question everything. Do not settle on mediocrity, do not hide in the comfort of ignorance. Do not accept blatant stories , nor petty lies but dig deep for the Truth.

And when you finally grasp it, know, that you might get burned. Be ready for it.
So in the end, your Inner Flame will become radiant and strong. Like a beacon of Light.

Go forth, my Friend, and set the world on fire.

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RadSchell